disposableconsolationprize

There seems to be a trend in my life where people just decide they want nothing to do with me. I think this disappearing act by these people is a big part of my need for attention. I'm shy and it takes a long time for me to trust people, only to have them scoff at me and disappear out of my life. Either they tell me they don't want anything to do with me, or they just stop talking to me. This must stop! I don't know why this seems to happen as frequently as it does. What did I say? What did I do? I wonder about this on and on until I get myself in a crazy place in my head... I think too much, I'm too introspective- this much I know. I realize I have to stop blaming myself for everything.
But it's painful when you invest your time and heart into a relationship only to have a person actually tell you they don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. I knew that one was coming, I'd known for a long time because this person actually told me that they had done this with other people. How sick is that? Both on my part for continuing on in the friendship, and the other person, for just doing what she did? It's been like... I don't know a few years since I was told that I was no longer wanted as a friend and every once and a while I think about it, and it pisses me off. Obviously there are two parts to a story and we both had something to do with the friendship crumbling. But it pisses me off when I think about how fucking hard I try with people. This is why I've started distancing myself from people; I've finally learned part of the lesson. Never truly invest yourself with someone because they'll flush you down a drain when they're done with you. So yes, I'm emotionally needy, but I think it's partly to do with how a lot of people seem to just... trash me.
The person who had the most impact on me, unfortunately seemed to have molded me into someone that doesn't hug, doesn't touch, and shies away from all of it was also someone who I loved. I loved him and he trashed me and I kept believing that he would change. He told me he loved me and then talked about killing himself. I worried myself sick over that rat bastard. I know I shouldn't give him the power, shouldn't give the credit and just be a strong person but... goddamn you for molding me into something I never wanted to be. You did it under the radar and by the time I realized what I had become, the change in my heart had already happened. What's done and I'm no longer your consolation prize at the end of the day.
Another person recently pulled a 180 on our relationship. We were friends and we talked and I thought everything was fine. And then about six months ago, this person just like, completely stopped contacting me. It seemed to be out of nowhere. Nothing was ever said. The contact just stopped. I've attempted to initiate a friendly "how are you" now and then and it goes nowhere. I don't know why this happened. But there's another person that has decided I'm just disposable.

Why am I so disposable? Please, tell me. The second person I wrote about, I doubt he will ever read this, but if you do, if this message I send out into the cosmic void actually reaches you somehow, please tell me what I did wrong. What was your reason for disposing of me? Because that's what it feels like. Like you threw me away.

I try to call people, just try to be polite and carry on what few friendships I actually have, and I am never the important person. I'm never important enough to call back, contact unless it's good for the other person. Why am I so disposable?


But I'm tired of being the consolation prize at the end of the day when you don't give a crap anyway. So excuse me for being callous and negative and harsh, but it's my own way of making sure I don't getting hurt again and again. There's only so much that can be repaired.

Why do I get thrown away?

The people that actually try, believe me when I say that it's very very much appreciated. It gives me hope that I'm not a piece of trash like so many people seem to think of me as. You guys know who you are- you actually call, text and try to talk to me. You make an effort and even when I'm difficult and negative, you're there. This means more than you know. I feel more positive because of you guys. I try to change my outlook, and I've begun to actually be a positive person.

cheers cosmic void.until next time...