trying to switch users from old gmail to primary gmail account. i hate the interface here.
tumblr is a much better setup. just sayin.

Killing time. So tired. Too many hours. Not enough. Would spend them all with people I care about if I could. Need to stop living in the 'what if' or the 'if i could' mindset. But thinking about the future is sometimes the only way I can make it through today. How do you not live with regret? Even if you know it's stupid and pointless. How? Gosh. I tend to over analyze everything. It's what I do. Wish my brain would just chill for a bit so I could enjoy just breathing. I'm afraid if I stop I won't be able to start again. Too busy to stop. Broken sentences. Vivid dreams are so amazing until you wake up and you are so incredibly sad that it wasn't real. Maybe that's why I'm so tired all of the time..? Because when you sleep, isn't your brain supposed to be decompressing? Yeah I don't think mine does. Oatmeal for dinner. Still hungry. fuck.

enough

I've been going through a sort of quarter-life crisis lately. As with any crisis, there's both good and bad. You learn a little more about yourself as you tear apart your own layers. For some reason, my current crisis is just... I'm not entirely sure. My emotions and realizations are giving me migraines and my mind just feels like there's a white squall raging in the core of my being. Trying to get past my anger. Trying to get past the hurt. Trying to get past feeling so incredibly stupid about how I live my life.
I'll talk to people about my crisis, and then as I'm talking, some other realization will occur. Peeling away layer after layer after layer. I feel like an onion.
I have some pretty intense trust issues. For the first time though, I'm acknowledging not just the issue, but trying to get to the cause, and then move forward. But it would be naive to say that I could just push through and ignore and move forward. That's not possible.
I think the months of illness and eventual death of my beloved auntie really shook some powerful issues free. I realized what was important. And then I began to question why I didn't have what I wanted. I realized that I've held myself back. And when i finally began to say it out loud, the ghosts were let free from their cages that I've kept them in these long years. My feelings of abandonment, that I always felt stupid for and never said out loud... there's something about admitting something to another person that is so freeing. And it's different than a complaint. A true realization, when you're trying to grow. I hope that the people in my life can see that I'm trying to move forward.
So I'm sorry that I've been so deeply unhappy. And I'm so grateful that some of you have stuck with me through it.
I'm terrified most of the time, of the way others will perceive my actions. It's difficult to change your habits. But I'm exhausted from years of walking on eggshells.
I promise I will get better. I want to forget so much, but I can't and I'll never be the same as I was before. So I'm putting my scars out there for the world to see. I'm tired of being the consolation prize. Enough is enough.

Watching Lord of the Rings. Long week and I'm tired. No days off until next Friday. I love my friends though. Definitely had a good amount of fun with some people lately. So much confusion in my life right now. Running is the most centering thing at this point. Definitely loving that time. Insh'allah everything will be in its right place.