shit shit shit. I cannot remember my other gmail email address. fuck!

some lyrics for my mood

sly, you're still a liar
your words are not enough

leggere

wrote an entire page tonight. really happy. hoping that i will finish a good chunk or all of this project by the end of summer. then it’ll be time to get an agent and look for a publisher. enough of this nonsense of not making my dreams become reality. 

the dream of being published, of FINISHING something…. probably the longest unwavering goal i’ve ever had. my interests are generally pretty transient. my attention wanes. but writing and wanting to publish something i wrote…. it’s been a dream for longer than i’m actually sure of. i can’t put a year on it. it’s just always sort of been there. keeping me company. 

insha’llah, insh’allah. 

letter to every failed friendship

What I really wish my silence says to you is that I wish we still talked. I wish I could just sit in the same room with you and just be. But instead, I'll just do what I always do and quit before the start. Give up before the race even starts. Make the walk of shame and blame it all on you. Blame it all on your insecurities that I despise so much because I see that I have the same issues.
Act passe about it but get angry and bring up how much you bother me with your bullshit. But I can never say it to your face. I love my honesty but when it comes down to it, I can't even look at you. No eye contact for anyone. Too intimate. So I keep my thoughts to myself and resent and get sad. Find something else to chase away the demons that I have allowed to live rent free in my head for years.
I wish I could talk to you.

what the fuck.

for everyone

ALL I AM ASKING FOR IS HONESTY. i don't care if it's something awful you have to say to me. i would rather be let down now, then have no idea what the hell you're thinking about and completely destroy our friendship. this is just for everyone i know. 

i'm an intense person. once i trust you, i will buy you things, make you food, and be there when you need a shoulder to cry on. i will listen to your opinion and i will not take it with a grain of salt. once i trust you, i trust you. 

please don't break my heart. honesty is all i ask for.

I've been in a funk lately. Blah.
The rain suits my mood.

I've got some good music on. Derek and the Dominoes. Clapton yeeaaaah

When did I become so socially retarded? I think it was when someone pointed out that I was random or something. I got really self-conscious about what I was saying and now I second guess everything I do and say. Damn you bad habit. Dunno how to change.

april

It's April!
One more week until I visit Portland.
Five days until my first 5k race of 2012.
I'm glad no one reads this. I like having a journal just for me to ramble to myself.

Someday I will have a little house, and some lovely animals and my very own bakery. If I ever get married or raise kids, then so be it. But I don't need that to be happy. I just need my friends and family.

insh'allah, everything will work out. insh'allah.

trying to switch users from old gmail to primary gmail account. i hate the interface here.
tumblr is a much better setup. just sayin.

Killing time. So tired. Too many hours. Not enough. Would spend them all with people I care about if I could. Need to stop living in the 'what if' or the 'if i could' mindset. But thinking about the future is sometimes the only way I can make it through today. How do you not live with regret? Even if you know it's stupid and pointless. How? Gosh. I tend to over analyze everything. It's what I do. Wish my brain would just chill for a bit so I could enjoy just breathing. I'm afraid if I stop I won't be able to start again. Too busy to stop. Broken sentences. Vivid dreams are so amazing until you wake up and you are so incredibly sad that it wasn't real. Maybe that's why I'm so tired all of the time..? Because when you sleep, isn't your brain supposed to be decompressing? Yeah I don't think mine does. Oatmeal for dinner. Still hungry. fuck.

enough

I've been going through a sort of quarter-life crisis lately. As with any crisis, there's both good and bad. You learn a little more about yourself as you tear apart your own layers. For some reason, my current crisis is just... I'm not entirely sure. My emotions and realizations are giving me migraines and my mind just feels like there's a white squall raging in the core of my being. Trying to get past my anger. Trying to get past the hurt. Trying to get past feeling so incredibly stupid about how I live my life.
I'll talk to people about my crisis, and then as I'm talking, some other realization will occur. Peeling away layer after layer after layer. I feel like an onion.
I have some pretty intense trust issues. For the first time though, I'm acknowledging not just the issue, but trying to get to the cause, and then move forward. But it would be naive to say that I could just push through and ignore and move forward. That's not possible.
I think the months of illness and eventual death of my beloved auntie really shook some powerful issues free. I realized what was important. And then I began to question why I didn't have what I wanted. I realized that I've held myself back. And when i finally began to say it out loud, the ghosts were let free from their cages that I've kept them in these long years. My feelings of abandonment, that I always felt stupid for and never said out loud... there's something about admitting something to another person that is so freeing. And it's different than a complaint. A true realization, when you're trying to grow. I hope that the people in my life can see that I'm trying to move forward.
So I'm sorry that I've been so deeply unhappy. And I'm so grateful that some of you have stuck with me through it.
I'm terrified most of the time, of the way others will perceive my actions. It's difficult to change your habits. But I'm exhausted from years of walking on eggshells.
I promise I will get better. I want to forget so much, but I can't and I'll never be the same as I was before. So I'm putting my scars out there for the world to see. I'm tired of being the consolation prize. Enough is enough.

Watching Lord of the Rings. Long week and I'm tired. No days off until next Friday. I love my friends though. Definitely had a good amount of fun with some people lately. So much confusion in my life right now. Running is the most centering thing at this point. Definitely loving that time. Insh'allah everything will be in its right place.

So, I haven't used blogger in like a year and a half. Tumblr has taken over. Ha. That and school, two jobs and family commitments.
One of my best friends has moved to Canada, and now I realize we really are adults.
Not sure how I feel about that.
On the plus side, despite every shitty or stressful thing in my life, for the first time since I was little, I am truly content. Happy. Despite my shortcomings and the school loans and two jobs and feeling alone, I am happy most of the time. Content with some part of my struggle. I don't know but it's nice to be happy.