trying to switch users from old gmail to primary gmail account. i hate the interface here.
tumblr is a much better setup. just sayin.

Killing time. So tired. Too many hours. Not enough. Would spend them all with people I care about if I could. Need to stop living in the 'what if' or the 'if i could' mindset. But thinking about the future is sometimes the only way I can make it through today. How do you not live with regret? Even if you know it's stupid and pointless. How? Gosh. I tend to over analyze everything. It's what I do. Wish my brain would just chill for a bit so I could enjoy just breathing. I'm afraid if I stop I won't be able to start again. Too busy to stop. Broken sentences. Vivid dreams are so amazing until you wake up and you are so incredibly sad that it wasn't real. Maybe that's why I'm so tired all of the time..? Because when you sleep, isn't your brain supposed to be decompressing? Yeah I don't think mine does. Oatmeal for dinner. Still hungry. fuck.

enough

I've been going through a sort of quarter-life crisis lately. As with any crisis, there's both good and bad. You learn a little more about yourself as you tear apart your own layers. For some reason, my current crisis is just... I'm not entirely sure. My emotions and realizations are giving me migraines and my mind just feels like there's a white squall raging in the core of my being. Trying to get past my anger. Trying to get past the hurt. Trying to get past feeling so incredibly stupid about how I live my life.
I'll talk to people about my crisis, and then as I'm talking, some other realization will occur. Peeling away layer after layer after layer. I feel like an onion.
I have some pretty intense trust issues. For the first time though, I'm acknowledging not just the issue, but trying to get to the cause, and then move forward. But it would be naive to say that I could just push through and ignore and move forward. That's not possible.
I think the months of illness and eventual death of my beloved auntie really shook some powerful issues free. I realized what was important. And then I began to question why I didn't have what I wanted. I realized that I've held myself back. And when i finally began to say it out loud, the ghosts were let free from their cages that I've kept them in these long years. My feelings of abandonment, that I always felt stupid for and never said out loud... there's something about admitting something to another person that is so freeing. And it's different than a complaint. A true realization, when you're trying to grow. I hope that the people in my life can see that I'm trying to move forward.
So I'm sorry that I've been so deeply unhappy. And I'm so grateful that some of you have stuck with me through it.
I'm terrified most of the time, of the way others will perceive my actions. It's difficult to change your habits. But I'm exhausted from years of walking on eggshells.
I promise I will get better. I want to forget so much, but I can't and I'll never be the same as I was before. So I'm putting my scars out there for the world to see. I'm tired of being the consolation prize. Enough is enough.

Watching Lord of the Rings. Long week and I'm tired. No days off until next Friday. I love my friends though. Definitely had a good amount of fun with some people lately. So much confusion in my life right now. Running is the most centering thing at this point. Definitely loving that time. Insh'allah everything will be in its right place.

So, I haven't used blogger in like a year and a half. Tumblr has taken over. Ha. That and school, two jobs and family commitments.
One of my best friends has moved to Canada, and now I realize we really are adults.
Not sure how I feel about that.
On the plus side, despite every shitty or stressful thing in my life, for the first time since I was little, I am truly content. Happy. Despite my shortcomings and the school loans and two jobs and feeling alone, I am happy most of the time. Content with some part of my struggle. I don't know but it's nice to be happy.

Endurance part one

Every time I read about an endurance runner or some ultra (marathon), I'm like "dang I really want to do that!" but I can never seem to get past the WANT part of it. I've never been a particularly sporty person, especially as a child. Anyone who knew me as a kid can attest to the fact that a) I only wore Birkenstocks or some other variety of non-shoe footwear, b) was the last one picked in P.E. and never even considered joining a team sport (except for swimming in 9th grade but my tryout for the team was hindered by a bout of the flu, to which I am grateful). So I'm sure this sort of thing comes across as some crazy idea that I'm so into endurance sports.
I swam as a kid, and I'd like to say that I may have taken it further had my parents been able to afford a coach, but my stubborn attitude probably would have prevented that, too. I was, and still am, one of those people who is enamoured by all things new, especially when it comes to competing against.. well, myself.
Fast forward to 2008. I was watching the Boston Marathon at a block away from the finish line, and when the elites came cruising by.... my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. It was right then and there that I KNEW with every fiber of my being that running was something I had to do. So I got in shape and started to run, and every time I felt winded or tired or frustrated at my slow pace, I just thought of those elites. I thought of the elite Kenyans and Ethiopians who are the most graceful runners I have ever seen. Robert Cheriyuot (sp?) won Boston that year. I watched him cross the finish line. I mean, it was one of the most exciting things I have ever witnessed. After 26 miles, he was still running a sub-6 minute pace! I had my Canon Digital Rebel with me that day by chance, and by the time I focused my lens on him, he was already hurdling on past where I was standing.
I knew a guy who was a former rock climber, trying to get back into the sport, and I thought "hmm that sounds fun." Another friend was going to do an IronMan, and I thought "hmmmm maybe?"
Endurance sports are the most appealing to me despite my utter lack of endurance! Maybe that's why, though, because I want to challenge myself. I want to challenge who I used to think I was. Two years ago I could barely run half a mile. Last November, stupidly, I ran a 5k with no training and a sprained foot and finished with an 11:30 pace. Which is slow but considering I hadn't run for 6 weeks and had a massive injury, is cool for me.
I just fucking love running. I'm addicted to it. I think "f*ck! this crap is so dang hard!!! what the hell am i doing?!" when I'm running, but when I'm done, I feel like I want to run until my feet fall off and there's no more road to run.
I went through injury after injury for about a year, maybe a little more. By the time I felt better, the terror of becoming injured again and not running prevented me from even trying to run. I just stopped. Completely distanced myself from it. But after a few 5k's under my belt and some nice runs with my sister and by myself.... the itch to run again is back.
I ran a 5k yesterday and I had a shitty time and I hurt like hell today, so I know I can't run right now. But I wish i didn't hurt so I could just pull my shoes on and frigging GO.

Enough for now.
kate.

quick post

It's been a while since I've written here. I don't write much on Tumblr either so.... yeah.

Semester is finally done!!

For two weeks I get to sleep in! Yay!


Okay I need to go to the gym now.